All evening my spirit has been screaming for me to write a poem called I Am Tired. It’s a poem about all the things that are so very difficult in my sister’s cancer battle. I can’t yet allow myself to access the depth of emotion necessary to make the poem what it wants to be. I do know, however, that the final line will be, “I am tired of not being able to fix this for her.”

I fix things and make them better. That’s what I do, what I have always done. I can’t this time. I can’t change the pain that is increasing because of the Neulasta making her body produce the white blood cells she needs to maintain her immune system. I can’t fix the swelling in her legs that makes it difficult for her to walk. I can’t cure her neuropathy. I can’t give her the energy she needs to do all the things she wants to do as a mother and grandmother. I can’t make the cancer go away!

What I can do is be by her side and help make each day the best it can be. I can help her leave the apartment so she doesn’t get depressed from cabin fever. I can cook healthy food so she can nourish her body to fight. I can buy comfy clothes and jammies to help her cope with the pain. Most importantly, I can walk this difficult path with her so she never feels alone.